Moving On In Friendship

"Growing apart doesn't change the fact that for a long time we grew side by side; our roots will always be tangled. " ~ Ally Condie

While growing up, I was best of friends with a girl. We went to school together and were in each other’s homes almost every day. We shared our food and we shared every secret. Then she left town to study. At first we missed each other, but as days, months and years rolled by the communication lessened. Life moved on till I met her again after almost ten years of silence. Yes, there was certain warmth, but the sparks did not fly as before. We traded phone numbers, resolving to meet more often. It’s been another ten years that we are not in touch.

Growing Out Of A Friendship

Friends do grow apart. People change. You change. Something just does not work anymore. Although at a point in time, you are everything to each other, as you grow older your personalities evolve and your interests change. Different people come into your lives at different times, share those interest and new friendships bloom.

You are conditioned to have one romantic partner at a time, but you may have multiple friends. So, you think you must keep all your friends. However, friendship is also a relationship where you can ‘just grow apart’ as in a romantic relationship.

All relationships take time and effort. When people start careers and families, they prioritize their relationships. In such a situation, friends grow apart. Friendships started in work environments are generally based on shared experiences. When work environments change, there is no longer any common ground and friends grow apart. People may also grow out of friendships struck while pursuing common interests, when they no longer pursue the same activities.

As you change and grow, so will some of your friends. At some point you or they will outgrow the other. Even if you wish things would be the same way as before, you may not share the same wavelength. Accept this transition. It will require you to trust yourself and move on the path life decides to take you.

Losing A Friendship

Sometimes, friendships are lost because of hurt and resentment.

If you are hurt by your friends words or actions, you will have to first calm down and analyse how much the friendship means to you. Try to remember why you became friends in the first place, what you admire in your friend and whether you see value in retaining the friendship. If you do, then you will have to find a way of communicating your hurt and discussing the issue face-to-face. This will involve a lot of forgiving on your part.

It may so happen that a friend suddenly stops communicating with you. Maybe, you have said or done something that has led him/her to end the friendship, and you are clueless. If you value your friendship, be the one to take a step and save the relationship. This will involve keeping your ego aside, explaining and apologizing.

In spite of all efforts, you may still lose a good friend. It is not always possible for a person to have perfect understanding of the mechanisms of the other person’s mind despite investing enormous time and effort to do so. Losing a close friendship it is as bad as romantic breakup. So don’t be hard on yourself. Give yourself the time to heal, and move on.

Ending A Friendship

Occasionally, a friendship becomes toxic and there comes a time when you have to let go of it.

Good friends are a source of comfort. But sometimes a friendship becomes a thorn in the flesh. Frequent arguments mean you are no longer tolerant of each other’s behavior. Frequent misunderstandings indicate lack of communication. Also, unresolved past issues may often open up old wounds that need healing.

Like any relationship, friends need to put effort into making the friendship work. If one or both of you can't do so, the friendship has run out its course. Being in a bad relationship can hinder personal growth and disturb long-term peace of mind. Hence, when a friendship becomes an emotional baggage, it is time to move on.

In the End

We all lose friends- to time, to distance, to our ever-evolving needs. Do not mourn over people who were once in you life and are no more there. Remember how they enriched your life and gave you joy. And always keep the door open. When the time is right, your lost friends might just slip back into you life, picking up right where they left you.

Be open to embrace new friends in your life. Life is a moving stream and you are a pebble in that stream. As you flow, you will be continually shaped and rounded by it and by the other pebbles you encounter along the way.

P.S.  Just yesterday, I remembered my friend. The heart yearned, and I called her. The phone number was invalid, obviously, due to passage of time. But the desire to reconnect was so strong that I tracked her down on Facebook and sent her a ‘Friends request.’ Now waiting.

© Sujata Khanna. All rights reserved.

Karmayoga Demystified

I am greatly influenced by the Bhagwad Geeta’s declamation of the Karmayoga. This article is a humble attempt to put my understanding of the concept of Karmayoga in layman terms.

We aspire to acquire objects because we feel inadequate without the objects of our desire. When we feel inadequate, we seek freedom from this inadequacy. So, we direct our actions in pursuit of objects of desire and in avoidance of objects of distaste and fear. We feel we will be completely happy when we do this. Yet, at some point, we realize that no matter how much we act upon our motivations, we still do not attain bliss. We, then, feel further limited.

WHAT IS SELF-REALISATION? 

Self-realisation is the liberation of the ego from the sense of limitation brought about by its identification with conditioned beliefs, opinions, fears, desires, and habits.

WHAT IS KARMAYOGA?

In Sanskrit, ‘karma’ means ‘action’ and ‘yoga’ means ‘union’. Karmayoga literally means ‘union through action’.

According to Karmayoga, the delusions in the path of self-realisation are:

- To assume that action is the way and that renunciation must be avoided
- To assume that renunciation is the way and action is to be avoided

If we keep feeling limited, no matter how much we act in pursuit of objects of gratification and avoid objects of woe, we are disillusioned with life. Any action, then, seems pointless. We slip into inaction; that takes us deeper into the chasm of inadequacy.

Karmayoga states that it is not necessary to remain in external solitude, or remain action-less, in pursuit of self-realisation, since the state of action or renunciation is primarily determined in the mind.

Karmayoga is a path to self-realisation through action in accordance with one's duty, while renouncing the attachment to the fruits of one's deeds.

The message of Karmayoga is ‘Work is worship’.

HOW TO PRACTICE KARMAYOGA?

The following four principles of work will lead us to working on the path of Karmayoga:

1. Duty 

It is our duty to fully utitise the mental and physical faculties that we were born with. That we were born must serve a purpose.

Since one has to work even for the simple maintenance of the body, one must act in accordance with one’s intelligence, knowledge and capabilities to maintain one’s mind.

2. Motive

All activity is always directed towards a goal. Reaching the goal of the activity must be placed above the achievement of reward for reaching the goal. The mind is so framed that it cannot think of any kind of work without remuneration or reward. The result of our work can suffer if we are bound by expectation of reward for our actions.

Hence, it is essential to free ourselves from desire for money, praise, power and fame.

3. Acceptance

• Self-acceptance is about believing in ourselves and being contented with our destiny and our capabilities. If we believe in ourselves, we will not try to convince others. If we are content, we will not need others' approval. So, self-acceptance will free us from the desire for approval, which is the first step to freeing ourselves from desire for other rewards.
• Acceptance of others, totally and unconditionally, will make us free of expectations. When we don’t expect, we are not disappointed. People are what they are because they have their own backgrounds, and they cannot be otherwise. No one is in a position to disqualify another’s way of life, belief, thinking, or ideas.

4. Attitude

It is not what job we do; it is how we do it. Whatever we have to do, we must do our best. We must not slack if someone is not watching us. We must not hold back because of fear of criticism. We must keep improvising to give the best outcome of our work.

It's the attitude while doing whatever we do that determines whether our work liberates us or binds us.

IN SUMMARY

No one can ever rest, if only to sustain the body. In fact, even we renounce physical action, and our minds dwell on the objects of desire, we will not achieve self-realization.

There is no point in renouncing action; that will only decay our minds and bodies, which, obviously, is not the purpose for which we were born.

Karmayoga asks us to embrace action while renouncing the attachment to the rewards of the action.

© Sujata Khanna. All rights reserved.

Go Fragrant!

“A woman's perfume tells more about her than her handwriting. ” ~ Christian Dior

Some women have a fixation for clothes, others, for shoes. Too much is never enough! For me, it's perfumes! My perfumania started somewhere in the early eighties and continues unabated....

Initially, when buying perfumes, I used to be unaware of the correlation between the perfume nomenclature and price. As time passed, I got to know many aspects, apart from just that. Here is a little note on the terms used on the perfume bottle that correlates the price with the value you get....

Strength     Term

Upto 3%     Eau Fraiche

3 – 5%        Eau de Cologne

5 – 10%      Eau de Toilette

10– 15%     Eau de Parfum

15 – 18%    Soie de Parfum

18 – 25%    Parfum (sometimes called Extrait) 

We often get a first impression of perfumes from the testers. As a result, we get a whiff of the top notes-the more volatile aromas that linger for 15-30 minutes. But it is the middle notes that actually define the fragrance. You will sense them right from the start, but they develop on the body 15-20 minutes later. The heaviest notes are called base notes, which enhance the staying power of the perfume.

I think the best way to pick up a perfume is to follow your own instinct rather than go by too much critical analysis. The purpose of perfumes is to enhance happiness so if a perfume makes you instantly joyful, that’s the one for you.

Over the years, I have used a number of brands, but certain fragrances that caught my fancy in the early years of my perfume-infatuation still remain my favourites.

Here are some perfumes I must have on my shelf:
24 Faubourg by Hermès
Calèche
 by Hermès
Coco by Chanel
Allure by Chanel
Poison by Christian Dior
Gucci by Gucci
Pleasures by Estee Lauder
Poême by Lancôme
L’air du Temps by Nina Ricci

© Sujata Khanna. All rights reserved.