Moving On In Friendship

"Growing apart doesn't change the fact that for a long time we grew side by side; our roots will always be tangled. " ~ Ally Condie

While growing up, I was best of friends with a girl. We went to school together and were in each other’s homes almost every day. We shared our food and we shared every secret. Then she left town to study. At first we missed each other, but as days, months and years rolled by the communication lessened. Life moved on till I met her again after almost ten years of silence. Yes, there was certain warmth, but the sparks did not fly as before. We traded phone numbers, resolving to meet more often. It’s been another ten years that we are not in touch.

Growing Out Of A Friendship

Friends do grow apart. People change. You change. Something just does not work anymore. Although at a point in time, you are everything to each other, as you grow older your personalities evolve and your interests change. Different people come into your lives at different times, share those interest and new friendships bloom.

You are conditioned to have one romantic partner at a time, but you may have multiple friends. So, you think you must keep all your friends. However, friendship is also a relationship where you can ‘just grow apart’ as in a romantic relationship.

All relationships take time and effort. When people start careers and families, they prioritize their relationships. In such a situation, friends grow apart. Friendships started in work environments are generally based on shared experiences. When work environments change, there is no longer any common ground and friends grow apart. People may also grow out of friendships struck while pursuing common interests, when they no longer pursue the same activities.

As you change and grow, so will some of your friends. At some point you or they will outgrow the other. Even if you wish things would be the same way as before, you may not share the same wavelength. Accept this transition. It will require you to trust yourself and move on the path life decides to take you.

Losing A Friendship

Sometimes, friendships are lost because of hurt and resentment.

If you are hurt by your friends words or actions, you will have to first calm down and analyse how much the friendship means to you. Try to remember why you became friends in the first place, what you admire in your friend and whether you see value in retaining the friendship. If you do, then you will have to find a way of communicating your hurt and discussing the issue face-to-face. This will involve a lot of forgiving on your part.

It may so happen that a friend suddenly stops communicating with you. Maybe, you have said or done something that has led him/her to end the friendship, and you are clueless. If you value your friendship, be the one to take a step and save the relationship. This will involve keeping your ego aside, explaining and apologizing.

In spite of all efforts, you may still lose a good friend. It is not always possible for a person to have perfect understanding of the mechanisms of the other person’s mind despite investing enormous time and effort to do so. Losing a close friendship it is as bad as romantic breakup. So don’t be hard on yourself. Give yourself the time to heal, and move on.

Ending A Friendship

Occasionally, a friendship becomes toxic and there comes a time when you have to let go of it.

Good friends are a source of comfort. But sometimes a friendship becomes a thorn in the flesh. Frequent arguments mean you are no longer tolerant of each other’s behavior. Frequent misunderstandings indicate lack of communication. Also, unresolved past issues may often open up old wounds that need healing.

Like any relationship, friends need to put effort into making the friendship work. If one or both of you can't do so, the friendship has run out its course. Being in a bad relationship can hinder personal growth and disturb long-term peace of mind. Hence, when a friendship becomes an emotional baggage, it is time to move on.

In the End

We all lose friends- to time, to distance, to our ever-evolving needs. Do not mourn over people who were once in you life and are no more there. Remember how they enriched your life and gave you joy. And always keep the door open. When the time is right, your lost friends might just slip back into you life, picking up right where they left you.

Be open to embrace new friends in your life. Life is a moving stream and you are a pebble in that stream. As you flow, you will be continually shaped and rounded by it and by the other pebbles you encounter along the way.

P.S.  Just yesterday, I remembered my friend. The heart yearned, and I called her. The phone number was invalid, obviously, due to passage of time. But the desire to reconnect was so strong that I tracked her down on Facebook and sent her a ‘Friends request.’ Now waiting.

© Sujata Khanna. All rights reserved.