Moving On In Friendship

"Growing apart doesn't change the fact that for a long time we grew side by side; our roots will always be tangled. " ~ Ally Condie

While growing up, I was best of friends with a girl. We went to school together and were in each other’s homes almost every day. We shared our food and we shared every secret. Then she left town to study. At first we missed each other, but as days, months and years rolled by the communication lessened. Life moved on till I met her again after almost ten years of silence. Yes, there was certain warmth, but the sparks did not fly as before. We traded phone numbers, resolving to meet more often. It’s been another ten years that we are not in touch.

Growing Out Of A Friendship

Friends do grow apart. People change. You change. Something just does not work anymore. Although at a point in time, you are everything to each other, as you grow older your personalities evolve and your interests change. Different people come into your lives at different times, share those interest and new friendships bloom.

You are conditioned to have one romantic partner at a time, but you may have multiple friends. So, you think you must keep all your friends. However, friendship is also a relationship where you can ‘just grow apart’ as in a romantic relationship.

All relationships take time and effort. When people start careers and families, they prioritize their relationships. In such a situation, friends grow apart. Friendships started in work environments are generally based on shared experiences. When work environments change, there is no longer any common ground and friends grow apart. People may also grow out of friendships struck while pursuing common interests, when they no longer pursue the same activities.

As you change and grow, so will some of your friends. At some point you or they will outgrow the other. Even if you wish things would be the same way as before, you may not share the same wavelength. Accept this transition. It will require you to trust yourself and move on the path life decides to take you.

Losing A Friendship

Sometimes, friendships are lost because of hurt and resentment.

If you are hurt by your friends words or actions, you will have to first calm down and analyse how much the friendship means to you. Try to remember why you became friends in the first place, what you admire in your friend and whether you see value in retaining the friendship. If you do, then you will have to find a way of communicating your hurt and discussing the issue face-to-face. This will involve a lot of forgiving on your part.

It may so happen that a friend suddenly stops communicating with you. Maybe, you have said or done something that has led him/her to end the friendship, and you are clueless. If you value your friendship, be the one to take a step and save the relationship. This will involve keeping your ego aside, explaining and apologizing.

In spite of all efforts, you may still lose a good friend. It is not always possible for a person to have perfect understanding of the mechanisms of the other person’s mind despite investing enormous time and effort to do so. Losing a close friendship it is as bad as romantic breakup. So don’t be hard on yourself. Give yourself the time to heal, and move on.

Ending A Friendship

Occasionally, a friendship becomes toxic and there comes a time when you have to let go of it.

Good friends are a source of comfort. But sometimes a friendship becomes a thorn in the flesh. Frequent arguments mean you are no longer tolerant of each other’s behavior. Frequent misunderstandings indicate lack of communication. Also, unresolved past issues may often open up old wounds that need healing.

Like any relationship, friends need to put effort into making the friendship work. If one or both of you can't do so, the friendship has run out its course. Being in a bad relationship can hinder personal growth and disturb long-term peace of mind. Hence, when a friendship becomes an emotional baggage, it is time to move on.

In the End

We all lose friends- to time, to distance, to our ever-evolving needs. Do not mourn over people who were once in you life and are no more there. Remember how they enriched your life and gave you joy. And always keep the door open. When the time is right, your lost friends might just slip back into you life, picking up right where they left you.

Be open to embrace new friends in your life. Life is a moving stream and you are a pebble in that stream. As you flow, you will be continually shaped and rounded by it and by the other pebbles you encounter along the way.

P.S.  Just yesterday, I remembered my friend. The heart yearned, and I called her. The phone number was invalid, obviously, due to passage of time. But the desire to reconnect was so strong that I tracked her down on Facebook and sent her a ‘Friends request.’ Now waiting.

© Sujata Khanna. All rights reserved.

Complacency

“Success is a lousy teacher. It seduces smart people into thinking they can't lose.” ~ Bill Gates

Complacency is defined as smug satisfaction with oneself or with an existing situation, often while unaware of some potential threat.

Success usually comes after great effort. You know there is a challenge and you work hard towards it. In the initial days of struggle, you give all of yourself in spirit, body and mind. You can never get too comfortable because your antennae are tuned to potential setbacks.

However, it is very easy to be infatuated with past glories. It is often seen that great achievements are followed by great complacency. It causes you to become too comfortable with your way of thinking and of doing things. You ignore the rapidly changing environment around even when facts clearly point to a shifting order of things. This is when you are riding for a fall.

Aesop’s fable – ‘The hare and the tortoise’ - is a classic example of complacency.

The hare and the tortoise were in a race, and the hare dashed off to an amazing start. Turning back some distance ahead, he did not see the tortoise anywhere in sight. He became so filled with pride about his prowess and became so complacent, that he decided to take a nap. He was sure that he could beat the tortoise hands-down even after he woke up. 

When the hare woke up, he sprinted to the finish line as fast as he could, only to find the tortoise already there and victorious.

Good leadership skills demand that you do not fall prey to this ‘head-in-the-sand’ attitude. There are two key factors that can help in keeping complacency at bay:

• Keeping your environmental knowledge up-to-date: The environments you operate in generally are economic, political, business, market, technological and organisational (people & processes). You must have your finger on the pulse of each of these environments at all times.

• Keeping company of people who are capable of thinking differently from you: These people must be competent and empowered to challenge your ideas.

The path to success is a mix of ambition, hard work and environmental sensitivity. But once achieved, success can make you complacent over time. You tend to lose the humbleness and flexibility with which you commenced your journey, and, that, can become the beginning of your downfall.

© Sujata Khanna. All rights reserved.

The Anatomy Of An Entrepreneur

Recently, I was invited to speak at seminar on Entrepreneurship.  The first thought that came to my mind was, "Entrepreneurship is an action skill…"  Then a series of thoughts flowed, some of which I would like to share.

Who is an entrepreneur? An entrepreneur is one who has - The passion to create - The will to conquer - The impulse to fight - The dream to found a private kingdom Very simply put, “those who create companies on their own and become the bosses of the companies”, are entrepreneurs. Passion, rather than money, fuels the success of an entrepreneurial drive.  However, successful growth requires you to expand on that passion with thought!

So, what does it take to start your own venture?

• Idea: An idea based on rationality and realism; it is the key concept of the service or product you want to sell in the market.
• Market value of the idea: You must have a basic level of confidence in the fact that the market values your product and is willing to pay for it.
• Team: You must have a team of complementary skill sets - so identify your own strengths, and find people who have different, but complementary strengths. In building a team you have to lead by example, you must walk the talk. You must be someone who is willing to work very hard to achieve those aspirations. Only then will your team trust you implicitly, and only then will they deliver and help achieve the common goals.
• Vision for growth: The entrepreneur must have a vision for growth, and he must articulate his grand vision - an exciting future. The vision must be a story that is compelling, believable, and intrigues and excites the minds of the team members.
• Attitude: A high degree of optimism, perseverance and the ability to put long-term interest ahead of short-term benefit

Can you become an entrepreneur? Yes, you can, provided you have the essential ingredients enlisted above, and the resilience to take the rough with the smooth. Entrepreneurship can be the most fulfilling aspect of your life.

© Sujata Khanna. All rights reserved.

Emotional Intelligence

Organisational teams are put together keeping a particular organisational goal in mind. The teams comprise people with diverse skills, mentalities and backgrounds. In such a situation, the formal leader would definitely attract a following if he has leadership qualities, as in, a 3D personality (refer to my post, The anatomy of a leader, Mar 19, 2012), but a fourth personality dimension is necessary to sustain that following. That fourth dimension is Emotional Intelligence.

Sometime in 1998, I read Daniel Goleman’s book “Emotional Intelligence: Why it can matter more than IQ”, and later, his books “Working with Emotional Intelligence” and “Primal Leadership”. These books put into clearer perspective that which I had perceived, but never analysed, earlier- there are certain things about outstanding business leaders that separate them from others - a set of competencies that distinguishes how people manage feelings, interact, and communicate.

Everybody feels. In fact, it is impossible not to have feelings, and it is perfectly alright for you to be happy, sad, angry, resentful or even feel hopeless. What is important is to be aware of your feelings, the stimuli that evoke these feelings, and further, the behaviour that predictably follows the feelings. In the same manner, you must be able to understand the stimuli that evoke certain feelings in others and the behaviour that predictably follows.

Emotional Intelligence is the ability to perceive and understand emotions- one’s own as well as others’- and to use this awareness to pause, be flexible and purposefully direct one’s behaviour.

Leaders with a high emotional intelligence quotient are able to control mood swings and have high frustration tolerance, and thus, have the perseverance to achieving goals as well as have a positive attitude. They also have great empathy and can manage interactions and conflict better.

© Sujata Khanna. All rights reserved.

The Anatomy Of A Leader

“If your actions inspire others to dream more, learn more, do more and become more, you are a leader.” John Quincy Adams.

There are examples galore of leaders and their leadership styles- Political leaders, captains of industry, social activists, religious leaders….. Every leader you think of is unique in his calling, his vision and his style of functioning. Yet, there are certain attributes that are common to all leaders. 

Trying to unravel a ‘leaders’ personality, I came down to my own simple 3C formula, or the three dimensions of personality that make a leader.

He must have a cause

• Faith in his vision, mission or purpose
• The ability to articulate the vision
• The passion to realize the vision

The clear and passionate articulation of the cause builds conviction of people in the mission.

He must have competence

• Skill for achieving the purpose
• Complete self confidence
• Clarity of thinking and planning

The proof of competence builds respect for the person leading the mission.

He must have charisma

• Capability to inspire and motivate
• Capability of being a change agent
• Live by values, lead by example

The power of charisma builds a strong appeal for being part of the mission.

When there is a conviction in the mission and respect and appeal for a person leading it, a following starts, and when there is a following, a leader is born. A leader does not set out to be one, but becomes one by the fervent dedication to his intent, the calibre of his actions and the integrity of his conduct.

© Sujata Khanna. All rights reserved.

Winning

Winning is a worthy goal. But to win, you must first compete. You must put your heart and soul- your complete focus, energy and skill into the task of competing. Yet, the odds are, you may not win.

Winning is an expectation that can be met, but not exceeded.

Consistent success is accompanied by heightened expectations, and any failure to meet those heightened expectations can be magnified greatly. Losing can have an overwhelming effect on the competitive mind, an effect that can be best described as ‘agony’.  Consequently, the defence mechanism to this intense mental suffering is ‘agony avoidance’.

One of the major psychological ramifications of agony avoidance is the development of a ‘winning at all costs’ mindset. This mindset condones breaking the rules of the game. It is willing to accommodate unfair means and cheating. This, clearly, cannot be a strategy for long-term success. Not only can your game be up any time, you will never feel the exhilaration of a fair win or a boost in your self worth.

The challenge is, therefore, to put it all in the proper perspective. 

Taking a life-long view, the sum of your wins must exceed the sum of your losses, with the endeavour to maximise the wins and minimise the losses. Those who fail to take this long view may miss taking on each challenge with sportsmanship, fair play and personal responsibility, thus, missing out on the process of constant self-improvement, an essential ingredient in formulating long term success.

Long term success calls for being able to deal with losing. A healthy competitive spirit can be developed if you work on cultivating the following:

• Learning: Turn defeat into a positive learning tool. Find where you fell short, work on your weaknesses, get the little things right and, thus, increase the chance for success the next time you compete.
• Self-motivation: Tell yourself, you gave your best shot then, you will continue to do so always. You must refocus, re-energize and rededicate yourself to compete again.
• Resilience: Get accustomed to dealing with adversity and overcoming obstacles. Each experience will equip you to tide over future difficulties in the workplace and in life.Nobody wins all of the time. It’s what you do with these losses and what you can learn from them that will create future wins. So, let there be no room for self-doubt. Cultivate the resilience required to come back stronger.

Finally, it’s all in the mind!

© Sujata Khanna. All rights reserved.

The Winner's Mindset

“You were born to win, but to be a winner, you must plan to win, prepare to win, and expect to win.” Zig Ziglar.

You are competitive, and that’s a great thing! Winning is incredibly inspirational and can propel you perform even better and achieve even greater heights.

I believe that a strong competitive spirit coupled with rational realism can go a long way in creating winners. Here, I am talking about consistent achievers who have a winner’s mindset.

A few thoughts on the winner's mindset….

Winners are passionate about winning
Winners thrive on the blood-rush of a tumultuous environment. The pulls and pressures of competition motivate them to gear-up for a good fight; they focus on the goal and become sharper and more creative in their strategies

Winners assess the playing field correctly
Winners appreciate competition. They assess the competitor’s strengths and try to better them. They assess his weaknesses, and devise strategies to exploit them. More importantly, they know their own strengths and weaknesses. If you want to be a winner, never under-estimate a competitor, remember he is also assessing you and devising ways of beating you….…hence keep your information, knowledge and skills up to date.

Winners are perseverant
The quote "Winners never quit and quitters never win" says a lot about the tenacious 'winner's mindset'. Winners have conviction in themselves, and if they believe in the mission, they are willing to persevere on, even when the going gets tough.

Winners are pragmatic
Winners can assess when a battle cannot be won, and chose to make a retreat. The purpose of such a strategic retreat is simple: you want to live to fight another day. Winners believe in ‘winning the war’, and hence are willing to take a few ‘battles lost’ in their stride.

Here are some classic quotes on winners versus losers.

• A winner sees an answer for every problem. A loser sees a problem in every answer.
• A winner says, "It may be difficult, but it’s possible." A loser says, "It may be possible, but it’s too difficult."
• When a winner makes a mistake, he says, "I was wrong." When a loser makes a mistake, he says, "It wasn’t my fault."
• A winner says, "I can do more." A loser says, "That’s not my job."

These quotes may sound clichéd, but I believe they ring true, and have come to strongly subscribe to them over a period of time.

© Sujata Khanna. All rights reserved.

Returning Calls

"Not returning phone calls is the severest form of torture in the civilized world." Marisha Pessl.

How often is it that you find people not returning your calls? How often is it that you do not return calls or emails?

Not returning calls is one of the most ungracious social acts you can commit. Mind you, I am not talking here of business relationships, where it is perfectly alright to not reply to unsolicited communication. In the personal realm, not returning calls can cause you fractured long-term relationships.

For example, there could be an occasion in the offing to get together socially, with friends or with a common interest group. One of the friends goes the extra mile, co-ordinating the availabilities of group members, setting the most agreeable time and location in order to meet within a short time period, and expecting quick confirmation for the rendezvous.

Yet, you do not call or email back!

Maybe you had other commitments, and you assumed that your not calling back would be sufficient indicator of your unavailability. However, what you have ended up is being personally offensive to your friend, and have sent completely wrong signals. He/she will wonder what they have done to deserve this cold shoulder, and the next time you meet, the interaction will definitely be lukewarm. A quick email/ text message stating your unavailability on that day would definitely have had been a better alternative.

Returning calls and emails is the polite thing to do. Never let people feel rejected. Whether you like it or not, people do obsess about un-returned calls. You would feel the same too. So whatever your reasons, even if the response is a little delayed, make the effort! If the response required is long, or needs considerable thought, at least drop a one-liner message acknowledging the call.

Bottom-line, do unto others as you would have others do unto you!

© Sujata Khanna. All rights reserved.

Relationship Building

“Every person, all the events of your life are there because you have drawn them there. What you choose to do with them is up to you.” Richard Bach.

Good times and bad times are cumulation of our decisions and actions. Since no one is perfect, we do tend to take certain decisions that may result in bad patches in our lives. Relationships that we build along the journey of life, our family, friends and loved ones make all the difference during these times. The most essential life skill, hence, is the ability to cultivate support systems in the anticipation of those rough spots. If we can understand this, we can be prepared for life's inadvertent setbacks.Family and friends are frequently primary sources of emotional support. Colleagues and mentors are often sources of career support. Social groups and special interest groups form a support system for stress busting. Relationship networks give us a sense of belonging. We tend to be healthier, happier and more resilent.

Relationship building is a simple function of give and take. Reach out and share yourself with others. Make the extra effort to give help when needed. Appreciate the little things that people do. And, more than anything else, take interest in people’s lives.

The cardinal rule of retaining relationships is staying in touch. Be pro-active in your communication. A simple ‘hello’, once in while, whether by email or SMS can go a long way in forging the relationship. You remind your friend that he/she is in your thoughts. Also, never fail to return calls or messages.

Today’s world is competetive and cut-throat. Sure, we must be focussed on our dreams and goals. But, care must be taken that this does not distance us from those around us. When we reach out for support, we must not find ourselves adrift mid-ocean in the sea of adversity, with no tow-boat in sight.

Support systems are not built in a day. And we cannot build them at once, when we need them the most. They are to be built brick by brick, day by day, so that when we need them, the pillars are in place.

© Sujata Khanna. All rights reserved.

The Pigeon And The Statue

“Accept that some days you are the pigeon and some days the statue.”

Very funny, great cliché, but a very sad take on life. Because it is funny, it is not only easy to remember, but easy to implement as well, which is exactly why something is not quite right.

You may have been at the end of some serious crap in life. And you might blame all the people who messed up your life. You cant just sit back and say, “I was crapped upon, now, at every opportunity I will crap on someone!”

Get out of the victim mentality! It is not easy to forgive ….yet work towards LETTING GO! Forgive yourself, too, for ‘crapping’ on others till now! Only then will you start loving yourself and be able to focus on your goals!  No matter what situation or circumstance you are in today, you don't have to accept the way things are in your life.

You don’t have to be a statue or a pigeon!

© Sujata Khanna. All rights reserved.

Tackling Insult

“He who puts up with insult invites injury”.

Insult can be a cause of tremendous social anxiety, especially when someone in your personal environment has made it a habit to put you down repeatedly.

An insulting remark made towards you, especially in public, can evoke the twin demons, humiliation and anger, making your emotional equilibrium go to dogs! Your response might be to shrink inwards, wishing you could vanish from the face of the earth at that moment, or it could be a fit of angry incoherent stuttering! 

Whatever be your emotional reaction, you have given the insulter exactly what he wants- power! You have given him the confidence to insult you again and again.

If the insulter has the effect of causing you social anxiety, you need to do something about it as soon as possible.

Brace yourself- you’ve got some insulting to do too! Prepare some choice retorts. Nothing hits like comments on a persons personality. The more true to fact the comment is, the more effective it is.

Bullies are like dogs- they smell fear! Show your  tormentor you are not afraid. The next time your tormentor insults you, insult him back instantly, looking straight into his eyes.  Half the battle is won when your eyes lock, and you don’t look away. Walk away from the insulter as soon as you have retorted, thus leaving him no chance to carry the conversation further.

Some people insult subtly. A good way of countering a subtle insult is to rephrase the insult bluntly and ask the insulter if he meant what you thought he meant. This will put him on a back-foot and you will get some lame answer like, “Just kidding…”. You can then tell him calmly that you hope he was, because you have not liked his comment.

You might face a situation where the insulter tries to save face saying he’s sorry, he did not think you were so sensitive. Beware! It’s his way trying to emotionally overpower you by passing on the blame of your reaction on to you. Do not reply. Just walk on, and the game is over.

No one has ever escaped insult, not even very successful and confident people. The only thing is that they never accept an insult. They are either able to rise above being insulted at all or are able to nip the insult perpetrator’s audacity in the bud.

© Sujata Khanna. All rights reserved.

Work Attitude

People are the life blood of any business. Getting people with the right skills and attitude keeps the company moving in the right direction. At times, it is difficult to get people with the right skills, but it is never difficult to ensure that people with the right attitude are hired.

I believe in hiring nice, pleasant people. People with the right attitude can be trained easily, and can gain skill and expertise. Also, positive people keep the office environment healthy. Employees with a wrong attitude, negligent, unmotivated employees, affect the service factor of the company and kill customer brand loyalty.

I believe that an employer must be flexible. Every company has certain objectives. Every person has certain personal objectives. It is the job of the employer to make sure that both the objectives are aligned. Understanding this, if certain allowances are made, an employee will make sure he/she reciprocates with commitment and conviction. Given the amount of time an employee spends in office, the work environment must be open and friendly.

Also, I believe in communication. Employees need to know where the company is going. They need to contribute their ideas for growth. Being heard increases an employee’s involvement. At times, tough decisions taken by the management need to be explained so that there is no mis-communication through the grapevine. 

Very rarely, there are people who misuse the company goodwill. If you have a finger on the employee pulse, it is easy to identify such people. If you turn a blind eye to or make allowances for such people, the good workers get demoralised, as they feel cheated. Hence, it is important to eliminate people with a wrong work attitude from the system.
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You may like this story that most management students would have already heard.

A turkey was chatting with a bull.

"I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."

"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "T'hey're packed with nutrients."

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after some more nights, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him off the tree.

Moral of the story : Bull shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there long.

© Sujata Khanna. All rights reserved.

Change

“Change is inevitable. Change is constant.” Benjamin Disraeli.

Continual innovations in technology have ensured that the environment around us changes very fast- ways of doing business, means of communication, lifestyle trends, people’s expectations- and hence, opportunities and threats are continuously changing. Considering this, remaining on top of the knowledge curve in ones chosen vocation is of paramount importance.

Here is a story.

A boy, particularly good at chopping trees, went looking for work, axe on his shoulder. Chancing upon a logging site, he asked the supervisor if there was any work available.

“Well”, said the supervisor, “Chop down that tree, and we shall see.”

The boy completed his task with dexterity and was immediately hired. It was Monday.

At the end of the week, the supervisor called him and told him his services were no longer needed.

The boy was shocked! “I am your most productive worker. You can’t sack me.”

“Well, you were the most productive worker on Monday, but by Thursday you had sunk to the least productive. And you’re doing even less well today.”

“But, I spend all my time chopping down your trees. I start early and finish last. I work through lunch.”

“I agree”, replied the supervisor, “but how much time do you spend sharpening your axe?”

Just the awareness of change and the intent to adapt are not enough for consistent success. In order to adopt new strategies and be more creative, you must keep your mind tools sharpened at all times.

How do you keep your mind tools sharpened? Just three simple tasks!

• Listen: Keep your ears to the ground. Understand feedback objectively .
• Read: Keep abreast of new theories, new laws, new research and new ideas, both specific (to your vocation) and general. The more you read, the more things you will know. There is a saying that goes, "Today a reader, tomorrow a leader."
• Write: Capture in writing the insights you have gained through your experience, feedback and your reading. Writing clarifies your thoughts and ideas. It also helps you analyse your learning needs.

At all times, do not lose sight of your goals. Learning can be said to have occured only when you put to use the new insights gained in following your goals. Hence, you must take the time to reflect and fit new knowledge with your strategies so as to enhance achievement.

Remember, mental faculties must always be “Work In Progress”. Being proactive is the only way to stay on top of change, or, in this fast-changing environment, we will quickly be extinct.

© Sujata Khanna. All rights reserved.

Perseverance

“It is only through labour and painful effort, by grim energy and resolute courage that we move on to better things.” Theodore Roosevelt.

There cannot be a greater feeling of exultation than to achieve your goals. People often give up their goals because the path to success is painful. However, as much as you try to eliminate pain in life, the fact remains that there can be no gain without pain.

Simply put, ‘pain’ is nothing but the ‘effort’ needed to surmount hurdles in pursuit of a goal.

Achieving all of life's lasting pleasures - good relationships, successful careers, robust health - requires a lot of effort. The first step, hence, is the decision to get out of your comfort zone and take on the bull by its horns. Often, this means grappling with issues like resolving a conflict, gaining a necessary competence or taking on a physical challenge.

Here is a story.

"A museum laid with beautiful marble tiles had a huge marble statue right at the centre of its lobby. It was that of a magnificently beautiful lady, and people all over the world visited the museum just to admire this beautiful marble lady statue.One night, a marble tile started talking to the marble statue.

Marble tile: Marble statue, it’s just not fair! Why does everybody from all over the world come all the way here just to step on me while admiring you? Not fair!
Marble statue: My dear friend, marble tile, do you still remember that we were actually from the same cave?
Marble tile: Yeah! That’s why I feel it is even more unfair. We were born from the same cave and yet we receive different treatment now. Not fair!
Marble statue: Then, do you still remember the day when the designer tried to work on you, but you resisted his tool?
Marble tile: Yes, of course I remember. I hate that guy! How could he use his tool on me, it hurt so much.
Marble statue: That’s right! He couldn’t work on you at all as you resisted being worked on.
Marble tile: So?
Marble statue: When he decided to give up on you and start working on me instead, I knew at once that I would be something different after his efforts. I did not resist his tool; instead, I bore all the painful tools he used on me.
Marble tile: Mmmmmmmmm…………
Marble statue: My friend, there is a price to everything in life. Since you decided to give up half way, you can’t blame anybody who steps on you now."

Most people expect some return on their efforts in a relatively short time period. It takes patience to work on something without immediate returns. There will be point when the path to success seems arduous. This is the time you have to make your decision- whether to put in extraordinary effort in pursuit of the goal or to give up. Finally, it is only you who will be responsible for your decisions.

You want to be successful, and enduring temporary stress is a small price to pay in order to reap lasting pleasure!

© Sujata Khanna. All rights reserved.

Dementors

J K Rowling, in her ‘Harry Potter’ series of books, has created the mythical character ‘Dementor’. The very presence of a Dementor makes the surrounding atmosphere grow cold and dark. Dementors feed on the positive emotions, happiness and good memories of human beings, forcing them to relive their worst memories. 

Real life is no different. We encounter human Dementors routinely! These people only look at the downside of anything. They are the doom-sayers who will quickly put down an idea or the prediction of a positive outcome. They tend to be the kill-joys at celebrations, making satirical comments and finding flaws. They complain about any thing and every thing under the sun- from work to family to society to the government! They are quick to criticize, blame and demean others.

Sometimes people do hit a bad patch in life, and may become pessimistic about themselves. That does not make them Dementors! These people need encouragement and positive re-inforcement. Dementors are the know-it-alls, who go about confidently making statements that hurt sentiments, bash others’ self esteem and demolish others’ joi-de vivre! Feeding off emotions gives the Dementor a mental high and leaves the other person feeling hollow and low.

Recognise the Dementors around you. If you know them only just, immediately distance yourself from them. If you have to interact with them routinely, as in, at work or at a common interest group, mentally shake them off! You will have to display consistent assertiveness to do so. You may even have to let them know politely but firmly that you will not entertain their comments. If the Dementor is someone very close to you, you will have to practice hard to emotionally detach from this person. You will have to set boundaries which cannot be crossed. You must take extra care that you remain focussed on being positive.

Avoid argument with a Dementor. If at all, pick your battles wisely. Remember, it is very difficult to convince the Dementor that the glass is half-full.

Dealing with Dementors is a tough task. But deal you must, if you do not want to feel unsettled, angry or feel badly about yourself after every interaction. Constructive criticism comes with solutions. It helps you bloom, and that’s what you need, not a battered self-esteem! So,banish the Dementor from your life!

© Sujata Khanna. All rights reserved.

Countering Adversity

In order to counter adversity, the first thing to do is to replace negative thoughts with positive ones. That’s easier said than done! Changing ones attitude takes effort. A major roadblock to change is procrastination laced with all sorts of excuses. 

You will have to take affirmative action, and you will have to take it now! It begins by your saying,

“I will do these five things every day, and I will start today: 

I will not dwell on the past. I will not think about people who let me down. I will not brood over my past mistakes. 

I will write down an affirmation (a positive quote). Each time a negative thought flashes, I will replace it with the affirmation of the day. 

I will take care to groom myself and look my best. 

I will cheerful and spread cheer. I will return every greeting with a smile. 

I will give my best to whatever I am doing and expect the best results from my efforts.”

When you brood over the past you spend your energy in fruitless activity and get distracted. Replacing negations with affirmations is an effective way of changing your attitude. By repeating an affirmation again and again, it becomes implanted in the subconscious, and becomes a strong motivator to positive action. It is a good idea to pin up your daily affirmation prominently in your work area, so that you can read it often. Also, all round affirmation will happen only when you look at yourself in the best light. When you look in the mirror, you must see a smart, well-groomed individual who can take on the world. It is this that affirms you personality, when you step out. Feeling good about yourself will make you cheerful and more enthused about your work/ calling.

So, even before you start thinking out your strategy to counter the adversity, start taking steps to get into a positive mental framework.

© Sujata Khanna. All rights reserved.

Emotional Baggage

“Emotions are the great captains of our lives and we obey them without realizing it.” Vincent Van Gogh.

Emotional reactions are like pop-up windows; they come up automatically when your buttons are pushed! You must’ve realised that certain stimuli provoke specific emotions leading to a predictable behaviour in you. And if the wrong buttons are pushed, they trigger negative reactions! All this happens because each one of us is walking around with some emotional baggage.

Emotional baggage can be simply defined as painful memories of mistrust, hurt, loss or rejection carried around from the past.

To be successful and live the life of your dreams, you must meet life’s challenges with equanimity. You must be focussed, clear headed and positive. But, some carry a heavier baggage than the others; hence their progress towards success is slowed down or even fraught with frequent stoppages, simply trying to pull the excess weight.

Emotional baggage manifests itself in many unpleasant ways. It can make you mistrust people, and stop you from having meaningful personal or professional relationships. It can make you too scared to take a step forward because of perceived threats. It can stop you from fighting back for yourselves. It can stop you from asking for support when you most need it, out of fear of rejection or failure. It can make you become a control freak, a yeller, a whiner, an escapist……the list is endless.

Your emotional baggage weighs down your personality. Even when you put up a grand show of being stable, rational and confident, it is lurking in the background to rear its ugly head when the wrong buttons are pushed. Then, it bursts forth with the intensity of a tidal wave to wash away all that you aspire to be.

Since change is an inherent property of the environment around you, you cannot continue to react to situations in a pattern defined by your childhood traumas or other unpleasant experiences. It means you need to get rid of the emotional baggage dragging you down. This task is not easy, but it must be done. Here are four steps to doing it.

# Become aware of your incorrect behaviour!
Accept that your behaviour needs to change and give no excuses or justification for it.

# Recognise the stimulus!
When you find a similar negative reaction repeating itself, try to map the different situations that led to the behaviour. More often than not you will realise that the stimulus to the reaction has been the same.

# Analyse and Forgive!
Try to unearth childhood experiences or other traumas that first caused you to react this way. Forgive those who wronged you then; forgiveness is a great healer. Tell yourself that the people and the situations of the past are not relevant any more. Teach your mind to live in the present instead of the past.

# Plan your Reaction!
Having recognised the stimuli to your emotional responses, you can plan how you will react the next time similar stimuli occur.

Life is a moving stream. If you do not dump excess baggage before you get on to the boat, you will sink. Hence, though the task is daunting, if you have resolved to change, you will succed in sculpting a beautiful personality and be rewarded with a more fulfilling life!

© Sujata Khanna. All rights reserved.

Positive Thinking

“Sweet are the uses of adversity, which, like a toad, though ugly and venomous, wears yet a precious jewel in its head.” WilliamShakespeare.

When adversity strikes, we tend to be cowed down by the overwhelming circumstances. It is during these tough times that the tough get going. And mental toughness is about accepting reality, analysing facts, realising achievable changes and above all, it is about keeping a sustained positive attitude towards life.

Here’s a story. 

A young boy and his father were climbing a mountain. The walk was long and arduous, and the boy was tired and complaining.

Suddenly, the boy fell, hurt himself and screamed: "Aaahhhhh!!!"

To his surprise, he heard a voice repeating, somewhere in the mountain: "Aaahhhhh!!!"

Curious, he yelled: "Who are you?"

He received the answer: "Who are you?"

Angered at the response, he screamed: "Coward!"

He received the response: "Coward!"

The son looked to his father and asked: "What's going on?"
The father smiled and said: "My son, pay attention."

And the father he screamed to the mountain: "I admire you!"

The voice answered: "I admire you!"

Again the man screamed: "You are a champion!"

The voice answered: "You are a champion!"

The boy was surprised, but did not understand.

Then the father explained: "People call this ECHO, but really this is LIFE. It's a reflection of you! It gives you back everything you say or do. If you give hatred, life will give you hatred back. If you want more love in the world, create more love in your heart. ”

How true it is that this relationship applies to everything, in all aspects of life. For example, in your day-to-day working life, if you want more competence in your team, you have to first improve your own competence. Your success or failure in achieving the desired results will simply reflect your actions.

The power of positive thinking is enormous. You thoughts influence how you react with your environment. If you think negatively, you will act negatively and the environmental response will be negative. This will further reinforce your negative thinking, and over a period of time you will be engulfed in the spiral of negativity and failure. Positive thinking will make you act positive, and the probability of positive results will be higher. One positive result got, you will be acting towards achieving more such results. This is an upward spiral that will lift you heights of success.

If basis of success is attitude, it calls for each one of us to introspect upon our attitude towards life.

© Sujata Khanna. All rights reserved.

Resilience

If you are going through a tough phase in your life, it is time to brace up to one fact. You and only you can make your fortunes turn. Is there any successful person who has not had to face adversity? Ask them how they handled it, and you will get one answer- resilence.

Here is some food for thought!

“Put three pots of water on a fire. In the first pot put some carrots. In the second pot, put some eggs. In the third pot, put some ground coffee beans. Boil all the pots for 15 minutes.

The carrots went in hard, they are now soft. The eggs went in soft inside. They are now hard inside. The coffee beans have imparted the water with colour and a wonderful smell.

The problems of life are like the boiling water! What happens to us when we face difficulties in our life? 

We can be like carrots. We go in tough and strong, we come out soft and weak. We get tired. We lose hope. There is no more fighting spirit left in us.

We can be like eggs. We start with a soft and sensitive heart, expecting to do good and get good. We end up hard and unfeeling inside. We hate others, we become embittered. We don’t like ourselves anymore.

We can be like coffee beans. The water does not change the coffee beans, the coffee beans change the water. See it! Smell it! Taste it! The hotter the water, the better the taste. We can adapt. We can learn from the problems we face, garner new knowledge, get new skills…. We can grow in experience. We can make the world around us better!"

How do you handle adversity? Are you a carrot, an egg, or a coffee bean?

It is important to understand that success is, among other things, a function of your ability to respond effectively to adversities. Remember, all setbacks are temporary and every failure is a lesson. Do not lose sight of your goals. Review your approach to handle the current situation and just keep doing things you need to do. When the going is really tough, it is all the more important to take care of yourself. Eat right, read inspirational material, listen to motivational songs. Believe in yourself and surround yourself with people who have a positive outlook. Negative people can de-motivate you…disassociate from them if you can.

When the hours are the darkest and trials are their greatest only patience, perseverance and tenacity can help you get on top of the situation.

© Sujata Khanna. All rights reserved.